Dorm Elephants and How to Deal with Them

As an enterprising future billionaire and double major, I cannot stress just how much I cherish sleep.  Not only me, but every college student cherishes their sleep time like it was sent directly from God.  So you can imagine how startled I was during the first few weeks of college when I was awakened by loud noises from the floor above.  At first I didn’t mind it because I figured that there was a bowling alley on the second floor of my dorm, but soon grumbled and realized that it was actually some late-night partiers.  Not that there's anything wrong with going out and having a good time, mind you, but not all of us are night owls and some of us have classes at 7:00 or 8:00 in the morning.  It's really a pity that some people aren't considerate enough to recognize that.

            Such people are what I like to call “Dorm Elephants.” Unless you attend a school that only enrolls the strictly academics who believe social lives are out of the question, you probably have the same problem if you live on campus.  Dorm Elephants can act differently, but you know they affect you if the bumping, thumping, and heel-clicking lasts more than an hour at a time and happens only at night.  But no need to worry fellow sleeper, I’ve been experimenting with a few ideas on how to deal with this issue:

1. Invest in a Broom

If you live on the first floor like me, you’ll have to deal with the upstairs elephants as well as the ones in your hallway.  I cannot tell you how difficult it was for me and my roommate to take flying leaps off of our beds in an attempt to hit the ceiling with our fists (although it was a very good workout).  Fortunately we discovered that if one of us held a broom handle in both hands, kept both feet planted on the ground, and raised our arms up and down in a steady motion, we would achieve the same effect without breaking something.  (NOTE: Broom handles are interchangeable with hockey sticks, baseball bats, tree branches, or throwing shoes)

2. Think Happy Thoughts

The Washington Post recently released an article stating that the Freshman 15 is a myth for most college students except those who are heavy drinkers.  So when you hear those drunk girls laughing a storm immediately after the phrase “OHMYGAAAAWWD!” or “SHUT UP!” you can rest easy knowing that by the end of the semester they won’t even be able to squeeze their heaving butt-cheeks into their skin tight, hot pink booty skirts while their stilettos break under the weight.  

3. Rally Others

Odds are there is a silent majority of people in your dorm praying for someone to rescue their sleep.  If you can find at least three or four other people who are bothered, form a plan of action.  I don’t mean writing “Quiet Please” on all of your white boards, I mean a synchronous, direct approach.  Try this: get a group of non-elephants in your hallway to get into their pajamas and mess their hair into frizzing masses of bed-headedness.  If you want, take some purple or brown eye shadow and give each other sleep-zombie eyes.  When the elephants are in a nice huddle down the hall, have everyone open their doors and stare them down at the same time (Since elephants are unpredictable, you’ll probably need to time this out via text on that night).  Not only will this get your message across, but it will freak the living daylights out of the elephants.

If you prefer the indirect approach, simply pass around a petition and ask them nicely “please quiet down because look at all the people you’re disrupting,” but where’s the fun in that? 

4. If someone you love is a Dorm Elephant, SAVE THEM!!!!

You know you all complain to your friends because they agree with you most of the time.  But what if your friend agrees that Dorm Elephants are indeed a huge nuisance, yet she is one?  There’s nothing harder than telling a friend that their actions bother you, but if they were REALLY your friend, they wouldn’t get angry at you for telling the truth.  Touch on it lightly; there’s nothing wrong with going out, just please remember that not everyone does it and try to be considerate.  What’s more, if you get them to stop being so loud, they’ll probably tell other Dorm Elephants.

Sleep is "Chief Nourisher in Life's Feast", helps us keep our beauty, and most importantly: our sanity.  It is a luxury that everyone deserves no matter if they do it best with the lights turned off or when the sun is shining through your classroom window, do your best to respect it.